Tired of the reinvention

I end every day with a plan and goals to make tomorrow better: I’m going to eat better, I’m going to get a workout in, I’m going to spend 20 minutes cleaning every room of my house and not go to bed with any dishes in the sink, I’m going to read to the girls, I’m going to sit down and have some school time with Princess, I’m going to get outside, I’m going to send a loving note to my husband for no reason at all, I’m going to….., I’m going to……., I’m going to….

And you know what? I’m TIRED of all the going to’s. Just once, I want to just “be”. Just “be” in my life; enjoying it and not trying to find the best, scheduled, detailed method under which to reinvent it. I would love to say that I just want to love and accept myself for who I am, but I am being honest when I say that who I am being now is not the best version of myself. I am not perfect, I am not Super Mom, and I’m probably a pretty lousy wife if I’m being honest here. I am so focused on making myself perfect, that I forget to exist in the real world, and then I use my obsession with perfection as an excuse for not even doing the minimum. I do not love myself just the way I am: I am overweight and eat junk even though I know better; I am lazy and spend most of my days sitting around when I could absolutely handle daily life here in a quite organized fashion if I just got up and *did* something, and my parenting skills are less than stellar seeing (refer to how I spend most of my time as mentioned above). These are NOT things to be happy with and loving and accepting of. This is not about self esteem; this is about just plain laziness. Let’s not beat around the bush here.

Everything that I do is within my control. There are no monetary or time factors to consider. Every problem that I have when I look at myself – every issue that I try to pencil into my detailed schedule to change about myself tomorrow – are all problems and issues that root back to my just being lazy. That’s just the way it is….and that way is unacceptable. I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t live like every morning is a do-over for a day that I just royally screwed up. I am a grown woman, I am a mother of two, and I am a wife to a wonderful man who takes care of me and loves me. I cannot allow myself to get in my own way. I’m tired of trying to be thin, trying to be organized, trying to be SuperMom. I just want to be the best version of me that I can be, and I know that it’s in my control. The cards were all dealt in my favor, so God is helping me out something fierce. The slack in this equation is me.

So, here’s my prayer, and I’m going to say it every night and every morning: “Lord, I know that I am not doing all that I should be doing. I know that you have greater plans for me, and that the last thing you want to see me doing is sitting around watching reruns on TV all day. I have a husband and children that need me – and they need me happy. I have responsibilities to You, to my family, and to myself. I cannot be this person without You. I need You to guide, support, and encourage me; to lift me up and help me see that I can be the person that You created me to be. Help me to take care of my body, so that I can be healthy and well. Help me to take care of my family, so that they can know how much I value them as the biggest parts of my life. Help me to take care of my home, so I can provide a place that makes everyone feel safe, comfortable, and appreciated. Help me take care of the things that you have placed in my path – the things that you want me to take on as part of Your Will. Help me, Lord, to live the life and be the person that You would have me to be, instead of the person that I feel is most convenient. Change me, Lord. Amen.”

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